What I learned about mental resilience

This is a story about a girl who lost her mojo and learned how to run, notwithstanding: in other words, how can you run when life happens? I remember reading a book a long time ago, about a woman who lost her mojo and then found it after "letting go" and finding love. OK., fine. Then there was "Eat, Pray, Love" - not really about 'losing' mojo per say, but about a woman who lets go, goes to India, finds love, and consequently finds her mojo. I'm beginning to detect a theme here, a chronology of events. So what happened to the story about the girl who lost her mojo, had a regular job, and did not go to an exotic land? Well, that girl stayed in her job, and fluctuated between ups and downs. Mainly downs. The desire to run was never there, and it was a Herculean effort just to get out the door. She read countless blogs, googled the questions endlessly, and read "10 steps to get your running mojo back". The general advice seemed to recommend that she just 'get out there and run'. It seemed to imply that once you're out there running, you'd be overcome by the feel-good hormones, and your mojo would be back. I'm not saying it couldn't be like that. I'm saying, it wasn't like that for me. I had to slog through putting on weight, feeling really down about the situation, and then to crown it all, losing whatever speed I still had left, as my running life fell apart. I did Crossfit in an attempt to try something new and stop obsessing about running, and it worked, but after 9 months I needed to run, and ran 2 half marathons back to back - which I wrote about in 2013. Last year, 2014, was interesting. I sort of started running more often. Not regularly, just more times. It's hared to run if you're not feeling the love. It's a technical execution, and not a very good one at that. Some months were bette than others. Contrast disappointment in January at a slow 10K, to feeling that I was on the path to recovery in April when I ran the SF Rock n Roll half in my old time of ~2:30. But still I wasn't happy. I had such mixed, conflicting feelings: happy and grateful that I could go out and run, contrasting with feelings of extreme disappointment at what I had become - slower. And so it continued. Mechanical, laborious runs - always dreaming, always hearking back to the past, a past when "I could run xxx in xxx". But the past is a foreign country. You cannot change the past, only the present and thereby the future. My 2015 didn't have such a great start either. Running wise I was still on automatic - just getting the miles done. By that I mean, no running during the week, and then a race at the weekend. My body took a hammering. Having said that, I did some pretty cool races - the Key West half marathon, the SF Rock n Roll again, the San Luis Obisbo half, the Diva half, and quite a few trail races. It was all a huge effort - not so easy to run without training. But I just couldn't get it done. So I stopped thinking about it. I accepted that maybe it would have to be like this now. Maybe I didn't have it in me anymore. Sometimes it happens. So how did it change? 
It changed without me realizing it: In January I did a Ragnar challenge. Week 4's challenge was to try one new thing. After running a mile in my living room, I realized that was not quite a new thing. In a panic I rushed down to the gym and decided to take a class. It turned out to be zumba - and I loved it. The teacher, the spirit of the class, the energy - everything was just good. It made me feel happy in my soul. It wasn't easy 'getting' into zumba, because it's not quite me. Or so I thought. But the once a week class made me feel something deep in my soul, that put a spring in my step. Then I decided to do something that scared me to death - a relay. A few years ago I had been asked by Christina, Princess Buttercup to be on her Ragnar Relay team. I said yes, and then bailed, because I was so scared to being slow, of letting down the team. It was a bad decision - I should have done it, but I couldn't overcome my fear. And so I decided to face it, and do the relay with my colleagues - but that will be another post. Suffice it to say, that experience taught me a lot more about running and spirit than I ever expected. I also joined my running club at work, and started helping out with organizing the activities. Even if I couldn't run with desire, I could still encourage others to, right? And it is so true: what you think you're doing for someone else, you're really doing for yourself. And so it was. I have encouraged so many people at work to start running, to improve, to find joy in running, that suddenly, I began to think about those things too. I don't know how or when it happened -i.e. the turning point, but I remember someone posting something on my fb wall saying at your next race, try chasing someone or be chased. And just like that, I wanted to do it. It has been years since I've felt any real desire to run, let alone chase anyone, and here I was, thinking about chasing. And yesterday at my 10K, I had the perfect race. I was in the zone - and my mojo was back. I wanted to run, and I wanted to chase - or at least try to. I didn't think I'd manage, but I did - for more than half the race. Then I made a friend and we ran together. And it was awesome. So how did I know my mojo was back? I sprinted to the death over the last 200m. Like I used to before. I was dizzy and ready to throw up as I crossed the finish line. And then I knew, it was back. So, what's the connection with mental resilience? Well, all this has taught me how to turn off the voices in my head (yes voices, the emotions, the feelings, the sadness, the disappointment, the overwhelming sensation of loss, etc etc - in short, all the negative emotions). To run notwithstanding. It's not always possible to run with mojo, but if I can put all the voices in my head on hold, until after my run, I am golden. And the more I practise that, the easier it becomes. And then suddenly, you're thinking about the race, about running, about your next Ragnar, about running with Princess Buttercup, about meeting Dean Karnazes, about running a marathon in Italy, about being happy. Running with mojo= running happy. But that's not always possible. "Happy" is a feeling external to us, a feeling we cannot control. but I think it is possible to control how I will allow the voices to affect me. But the flame and memory of 'run happy' is always there - and it will blaze strongly again - you just need to make sure there's enough wood, enough running to hit that happy place again.

The past 2 weeks

I will not bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that these past 2 weeks have been......hectic.  During all this sturm und drang, I read a lot, watched quite a few movies, and chopped off my hair.  The result can be seen above, after my interval run tonight.
I am just about half way through with a very interesting book of short stories which I got in South Africa a few months ago.  Duiwelsbrood is a stunning collection of "short and long" stories.  I am struggling with the language, as it is written in Afrikaans, and since I have very little opportunity to speak this, let alone read it, I am having to read very, very slowly!  Still, it does force you to savour the words, which is exactly what this writer manages to get the reader to do.  I will write more about this book when I have finished reading it.
Five fabulous films to see are: Europa Europa (Germany 1994) which sees a Jewish boy joining the Hitler Youth League; Mother of Mine (Finland 2005) which sees a Finish boy removed from his family and sent to neutral Sweden during the war; Caramel (Lebanon 2007) tells the stories of 4 women who work in a beauty salon, Dennis (Denmark 2008) is a short, which sees a body builder out on a date, and finally Open Your Eyes (Spain 1997) dichotomizes love and good looks.  
I cycled twice, and was quite surprised that I managed to get up to 17 miles per hour, considering that I have not cycled since last summer.  I am definitely going to practice more!  Finally, I girded my loins and went for a run yesterday.  I did 8 miles, and it was not too shabby.  Actually I had a decent time (for me) of 10:32.  Today I did some intervals, and I have 16 miles on Sunday.
This past week and a half has been very difficult.  Sometimes it is hard to see a reason to do things, and my tendency is to be quite nihilistic.  I am trying to change this (well for a long time now!) but as with all tendencies, this is quite deeply rooted.  Running helps a lot because it has the power to generate a sense of purpose.   Anyway, this seems to be the challenge I am facing during my marathon training.  Well, a day off tomorrow and I will catch up on all your blogs....so long!

Lessons in Running.....

Let's start with Saturday's long run. It was supposed to be 14, I ended up doing 10. It was painful, I was tired and I just ran out of steam. It is one of the worse (if not the worse) run I have had to date, as I always finish my long runs, even if I have to struggle through them. I was disappointed in myself and disappointed in not finishing it, but there you have it. It was a bad one.
I thought about it a lot on Sunday, and decided that not every training session works out, but that there is a lesson to be learnt in the ones that don't work out. For example the Friday 'tempo' run which I did with my colleagues was really quite challenging for me, as it started off at quite a strong pace. But it has also made me realize that if I want to improve a bit, perhaps I need to occasionally run with a group who are quicker than me. That is something I need to force myself to do, because it would be like Waiting for Godot if I waited until I 'felt' like it.
The second lesson was in Saturday's long run. Should I have just insisted and do a run-walk finish, or even just walk 3 miles and run the last one? Well, all good options, but I stopped - now let's move on. I listened to my body (as everyone has been telling me, and reinforcing my belief anyway). I felt terrible and in pain. I rested, and my next long run will be better.
My interval run last night was pretty challenging. Again, I was out of my comfort zone, and quite a few times felt like crumpling up in a heap. I think this programme is quite good, even though last night I did have a fleeting doubt. Every workout pushes me out of my comfort zone, and it feels like it's an effort. And that is what I need to work on - so I have started doing my circuit training again to build some stamina.
I have also discovered a most wonderous thing:  this Kefir drink is delicious- the only down-side is that it has 21g of sugar!

I suppose one should drink sparingly, but it is really good!  And what better way to watch the pilot episode of the new Hawaii 5-0, than drinking a glass of this.  Now personally I think Jack Lord was just too hunky and classy to have any pretenders to the throne.  That being said, last night's pilot was passable.  It is certainly the best police series on telly at the moment.  The atrocious rubbish that is on is just mind boggling - no wonder Dexter reigns supreme.  In all fairness, I am not sure if I can give a good assessment yet, as the build-up to last night was so heightened, that I suspect nothing can really live up to the original.  I will definitely watch a few more episodes, and see if they can stand on their own.....  Meanwhile thank goodness Dexter is back on Sunday.......

Running with Colleagues

Today was a fairly rainy day with a high humidity index.  Work was a bit of an early start, with a meeting at 8, and then the rest of the morning was a series of annoyances and by the time 11:30 came around, I did not feel like a run in the least bit.  That plus the fact that the other participating runners were of the fleet-footed variety - in the extreme.  There was Jonathan who ran Boston last year in 3:28, Jill who runs a 7 minute mile (yes really) and all the others who run sub-eight minute miles.  On a good day, I can manage a 9:13 pace.....
At this point I wanted to cop out.  This is quite typical of me.  I feel stressed out running with others, and when my head is 'in' work, I cannot disengage.  I am sure there must be some kind of formula, as this must get easier, yes?  Anyway, we were a group of 8 in the end, and off we went.  I think that must have been one of the fastest 3.78 miles I ran.  Jill led the pack, and the start was intense, but I could not hold that pace for long, and after about 2 miles, the distance started increasing between all of us.  Still, even though I was running pretty fast (for me), they were far ahead.  I think I put in a good effort, but I ran my own 'race'.  I am glad that I went counter-tendency and did the run, even though I needed all afternoon to recover!
So tomorrow I have a 14 mile long run.  I missed last week's, so I hope I am not too rusty. I am just thankful that I can do it.  Let's see how it goes.
Finally, I received a reply to my email from Matt Fizgerald.  And yes, all of you were right!  So thank you again for the kind words and excellent advice.  Matt's email was the cherry on the cake....


Natalia,

Thanks for your message. Don't lose confidence! You still have plenty of time to build the endurance you will need on November 21. While my plan may have less volume than some other beginner plans, it has more high-intensity work, and ultimately that's more beneficial. Stick to the plan and you'll be ready, I promise!

I know I have to work a lot harder as I only have 9 weeks left.  As mentioned in a previous post, I am sticking with my programme.  Indeed, as with all things,  you have to see these things to the end if you want to assess whether it works or not.